January 19, 2015

As the nation turns half a century old, I’ll be turing a quarter of a century old this year.

Never thought I would live this long, because back when I was twelve, I used to think I’ll kill myself after 16 because I did so badly for my O’s and my only solution is death. Fast forward 9 years later, I’m alive, not so much living the life or successful or happy.

Each of us defines happiness differently. Some are easily contented while others aren’t. I do count the little blessings that I receive daily, but find it unjust that others are putting in lesser effort that me, but getting more returns. I always wonder how do they do it? What am I doing wrong and how can i change?

I will turn 25 in a few months time, thats something no one can change or undo, and I will officially take charge on my own.

Starters, my finances. I don’t think my mother will want to continue paying my phone and insurance bills after I officially graduate. Secondly, my career, I know that what I’m doing now is not what I really want to continue doing for the next 40 years of my life, but my risk adverse and ‘kaisi’ personality says otherwise, holding me back to try new things because the fear of failure. Lastly, my non existent love life. As cliche and stupid as this sounds, I don’t want to be the last one left on the shelf (clearly I’ve watched way too much dramas), I do feel happy being alone, but now that I’m older and most of my friends have their other half “return” to, it seems that being associated as the cat/dog lady is starting to look like a reality instead of joke! Well, I’m not desperate (at this moment at least) or anything, if it’s not meant to be then it’s not meant to be.

All that said, I wish myself a better year ahead, and that I’ll have a clearer direction with my career and not regret any steps I take! Totally unrelated note, got this off Thought catalogue and I really think it’s very sweet.

“11. Cuddle her unexpectedly while in public. Like, put your arm around her in an affectionate (without being over-the-top) way, and let her sort of melt into you.”

goodnight xiaopau.

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